||[Jan. 5th, 2011|01:20 pm]
I have been of alarmingly...(short temper? Irritable demeanor? Hair trigger? lacking the usual reservations?) of the past 24 hours.
It's part "and not a single fuck was given that day", part just needing to vent, part frustration and just being tired of the fact that I'm not where I want to be geographically, personally, emotionally...part needing to be accepting of that, part absolutely impatient at the fact that I haven't yet built up the self-discipline necessary to have a solution to things already. More and different kinds of intelligence; ability to respond to the situation. Well, here's a response.
I feel...backed into a corner. And when I'm backed into a corner, I tend to get creative with my problem solving. But nothing's technically wrong right now! Just the aforementioned frustration. I'm still in control...but I don't really want to be. I feel like body has things well in hand. I can just abdicate for a while; having me here mentally seems irritating. Like standard issue 3rd circuit cerebral aquarian INTJ Matt appears to flow against the current, at present.
I want to punch something. I want to get drunk and make out with someone new. (Or old, that's perfectly fine too). Internally, I'm absolutely daring someone to be wrong and conceited about it, so I can rip their head off. Some facet of personal reflection tells me to take that energy and look at myself, if I'm really that eager. Solve et coagula, right? Doctor, heal thyself.
All this impulse; is this just more Shadow I've ignored in the latest wave of self-development, more Self I haven't yet integrated fully? I want there to be motion in my life again. I want to just move, and deal with the fallout and logistics later, rather than plot and plan and scheme and above all be fucking patient because above all I am no longer FUCKING PATIENT.
I feel as if I need to vent, just a complete memory dump. My words aren't precise right now, but I don't much mind. (re: fuck; my not currently giving one, as above). Many thanks for reading / listening. Above all else, this is certainly an interesting experience.
Again: thank you for letting me vent. <3