Aleph (styossarian) wrote,

core dump

There's a lot to get through; as I remarked to folks earlier in the week, one of the side effects of a very busy summer has been not really having as much decompression time as I'm used to. Not that the busy summer has been bad; quite the opposite. Since April there's been something interesting going on pretty regularly - and that's awesome!

I'm in need of some kind of dump / defrag / purification / what-have-you, though. I've had time to breathe (or at least felt like it, more so than usual) lately, so it's time I got my contemplative hat back on. Always surprised when I wait this long to work through a jumble of thought- it doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be. A work in progress. Though (on a note part of me insists is related) I found out I hold my breath a lot while doing techniques in aikido; maybe tension/release is a theme I need to work on/out. Oh, my Fusion-powered heart.

But, to the point.

(Actually, in the middle of writing this, it looks like I got at least partially beat to the punch here. Just crossed into my awareness a few days ago. Go and read that; it's at least a good start on the essence of what I was about to say).

Since sometime in July, I've felt to varying degrees as if I'm sleepwalking. It's an odd sensation; a sort of half-awake, "oh no, I can see the dumb happening, but can't do anything about it" feeling. Sort of akin to the dreams (the only ones I actively dislike) where you're paralyzed, fully aware that it's a dream but utterly unable to wake yourself for a few seconds. Objectively, it seems like everything's been going fine; subjectively, I'm wondering exactly what the hell is going on inside my head nearly every moment.

I'm beginning to get a little scared; I've been depressed before, and though this is similar, there's a lot more internal confusion now, and not really any parts where it completely lets up. I don't know if it's diet (though I haven't made that many changes), seasonal (though it's never been this bad), if I need to get out more (true, and it does help, but not to any lasting degree), or any combination of the above. The usual routine of "brave face on, slog back some caffeine, go out, get some sun and/or cardio" that worked when I last felt anything even close to this helpless isn't cutting it this time. Though I have noticed that trying - making the effort - has improved a lot of things. I'm regularly keeping a journal again, and I haven't smoked in over three weeks. Both of those are huge for me, so it's definitely welcome.

I've had an unusual internal monologue of late, as well. Most notably, a strong and tangible, gut-punch sort of reminder of my mortality. I've had hints of this before (any time I bring up Atropos, that's usually what's going on), but this was a lot less abstract, a lot more here-and-now. I've made it through my rockstar birthday, and I suppose the timing's about right for a return of saturn, but that almost seems...too neatly narrative. One model says "a test. Initiation. You're not given directions because you need to figure out how to proceed". Another says "neurochemical. keep doing what you know. talk it out, walk it out, if it gets unmanageable, seek professional help". Another: "you remember how much help that was? this is scary, but you will be ok again. you always are". Still another: "yes, but I want to be ok NOW".

So that's fun. Writing about it has helped, though. I'm not sure what a solution looks like, but I do believe that one exists. I remember times like this. It's disconcerting, but a lot of good comes out of them. (Doesn't mean I have to like it). I'm ok; things aren't ok but that's fine. Just wanted you to know. I miss you.

tl;dr: Don't feel right, not at all sure why. Confused, internal upheaval, discomforting headspace, working on it. ba da pa pa

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